Being Harry
by strykr
Summary: James thinks he's going to die and he begins writing his son a letter. Just in case...
1. one

**Being Harry**

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one

Are you comfortable, Harry? Are you sitting down? If not then you'd better get a move on because I take it you won't move again until you've read this a few hundred times. At least, I should think so. I'm not so sure about you. You can't quite tell by watching a one-year-old baby, can you? No matter how much you and I happen to look alike.

Perhaps you're are sitting back in bed, late at night, reading this by lamp-light and virtually ignoring the calls from Lily or Sirius, maybe, or is it Remus?… for you to get to sleep.

Or are you at Hogwarts? Hiding this behind a text book while your friends flash you confused and questioning gazes as to why in the world you are reading your potions book so intently. I suggest you calm them or they, in their deep concern for your well being, might smash your head in.

At the moment- during the writing of this letter- you are sitting at my side on the sea-grass flooring, fiddling with a set of wooden blocks. Mum keeps giving me shifty looks and warns me repeatedly to keep an eye on you. She worries that you might get a splinter or decapitate yourself, at least.

I tell her not to worry herself. If you do behead yourself with the wooden block, I'll just pop your head back on. No problem. Now she's hitting me. I ask her what sort of example she thinks she's setting for you. You are now chucking blocks in every direction manageable, completely indifferent to the fact that your father is getting beaten to a pulp. Lily is laughing.

How are you, Harry? What year is it? Who is the Mister of Magic? How many O.W.Ls did you get? I don't even know how old you are now that you are reading this. Five? Fourteen? Twenty three? Do I address this to a little child, adolescent or man? None of whom I was given consent to watch grow up or give fatherly lectures to.

Being Harry- and my son- you will most likely have had carried on the Marauder's legacy and reeked havoc on Hogwarts like I once did with Sirius, Remus and Peter. My father used to have to send me howlers regularly to keep me in line whenever I committed some childish- and for this reason quite innocent- act of disobedience. Never did work. I can imagine having to protect you- my little kid who can do no wrong- from the unfeasible- that means impossible, Harry- blames of Professor McGonagall. I can imagine myself saying to her;

"Who, Harry? You mean _my_ Harry? Harry James Potter- _that_ Harry? Ne-ver!"

Of course, in reality, if I was to say all that, I would probably be taken as completely mental and not to be trusted- this would be no improvement, however, since I have already acquired that identity at Hogwarts. And while I have taken some time off from all this dreaming, I might as well say that this little imaginary crusade of Hogwarts of yours that I have perceived is far from happening.

Lily has given up trying to put you to bed for your afternoon nap. Not that you're giving her any trouble. It's me who doesn't let her take you up to bed, Harry. Your company helps me forget my worries for just that fraction of the day and Lily most likely is aware of that. I've told her that once you fall asleep I'll carry you up. I'm positive she doesn't believe me which is rather wise of her. She didn't argue with me. I think if she did I would have given in. Ever since I married Mum I've found myself obeying her every whim. Sirius, Remus and Peter have taken advantage of my lack of obdurateness- that happens to be a civilized word for pig-headedness, Harry- and have had a good extra laugh. Most of the time, it's you who gets away with most of your desires. Once you can talk properly I will ask you how you manage to manipulate Lilly so well. You will have to teach me. Or at least I will ask you if I get the chance to. I think it has something to do with being so incredibly cute but if you are, so am I because we look so much alike… I just don't understand it.

Sirius just barged into the house with Peter and to some extent, an apologetic -looking Remus. Of course it's quite normal. Lily's hollering a hello from upstairs but her voice is drowned by Sirius. He roars loudly and sits down hard beside you. I tell him the neighbors will complain about mysterious earthquakes but he seems to be unfazed at the moment.

You however are delighted since you already know- even before you can talk- that if Sirius is present it will eventually lead to you being stuffed with candy and as long as this candy has nothing to do with nasty tasting beans, you are perfectly okay with it. And so is Mum. She wasn't too happy when she discovered Sirius dumping what he assumed were snot flavored beans into your mouth despite Remus' cautionary remarks and blows to the head.

You smile as Sirius scoops you up and throws you high in the air. I tell him to watch it, you might bang into the ceiling and I have this little feeling Lily won't be too happy about that either. Sirius laughs and tells me if I keep it up poor little Harry wouldn't get to do anything fun. I know that this is impossible. Besides, Remus says, banging into the ceiling isn't exactly what he would call fun. I am forced to agree with him.

Peter is sitting on one of the sofas, quite far from all the action- which is present wherever Harry Potter is. It seems to follow you like a magnet. Peter, however, has never been too comfortable around you. Perhaps this is because you tend to cry whenever he comes within a ten foot radius of you. I tell him to come closer. He shakes his head. Claims he's fine as long as he has the freedom to access the refrigerator. I decide to let him be.

Sirius has just realized that all my attention is not on him, Harry. He's nagging me to have a look at what I'm writing. Of course he attempts to snatch it as soon as his eyes land on the parchment but I know him too well and I keep it out of his reach. He has just attempted to wrestle it from me. Seeing as he is larger than me, I cannot keep doing this forever and so I have to make off with my beloved letter. That and I have to save you from the beans that Sirius Black has just conjured. More later, kiddo.

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please review. thanks!


	2. two

two

Harry!! You have no idea how difficult it is to keep a secret from Sirius. Or perhaps you do. It's impossible that there hasn't been at least one time that he's eaten you up, trying to get you to tell him something you're adamant on keeping quiet about. If you're as much like me as everyone thinks so at the time of the writing of this letter, then you probably blabbed everything to him just to get him off you're back.

You see, Sirius cornered me in the kitchen not too long after he saw me writing the letter- I'm at fault, really. I was stupid enough to go on with it even after Sirius came along.

I was warming up some formula for you and grabbing a snack for myself and Mum and Sirius came out of no where- he did, you know. I had no idea he was in the house. Nearly gave me a heart attack. He came and sat on the kitchen shelf next to me and waved a roll of parchment in my face and I knew it was this letter right away and I was about to hex him because I was so mad.

No one was supposed to know, Harry. They were supposed to find out later on and then hand it to you once you were old enough to understand everything but only- only if I wasn't around. If I don't die, all this will be completely useless because then I probably won't give it to you. That is why I'm writing it, you know. But I'll explain it in detail later.

So Sirius asks me what I'm going on about- why am I writing a letter to you as if I'm dead? Sirius isn't completely daft. He knew why. I suppose he was just looking for a rational account in words coming from my own mouth but I wasn't going to just tell him. First I planned on hexing him until he was absolutely unrecognizable- a heap of foul rubbish. But I couldn't do that. I had never even gone that far with Severus Snape. Besides, he was still my mate so I had to settle with an unpleasant interrogation.

I first acknowledged his presence with a few adjectives that are all unfit to be uttered before you. It was pretty much every uncivilized word under the sun, though. Sirius laughed which made me even angrier and I asked him where he got the bloody idea that it would be okay for him to read it, never mind go through my stuff when I had told him it was none of his business before.

He said that it wasn't in my stuff- it was laying innocently in the parlor on the table just calling to him. He said he didn't know it was mine until he opened it and read it and he hadn't known that it was the forbidden letter I had told him not to touch.

I had my wand in my hand and I was **that** close to exploding. Sirius knew it was the letter I had banned him from reading. I knew that he knew. It was written all over his face. So that was exactly what I told him. Then I proceeded to kick him out of the house until it was safe for him to return and not risk getting killed in the process.

You might have guessed that he didn't budge. It isn't funny, kiddo. I can almost hear you tittering as you read this. **Harry James Potter!!!** Never mind. Seeing as I'm probably not around to give you a good telling off- which I would if I **was** around- I might as well just continue.

I believe Mum heard both of us rolling around on the kitchen floor and she came down to see. You were sitting on her hip and looking absolutely intrigued by your Dad's behavior. So was Mum, I might tell you. She may have looked angry but her lips were twitching and she was trying badly not to smile. She told us to stop acting like children and get up off the floor and deal with it like men.

"I'm as much an adult as you are a man, Lily." I said to her, which got a laugh or two out of her (I knew she couldn't contain herself). You gurgled and I complied with Mum's wishes, dusting myself off and taking you from her arms. Sirius looked up at me from the floor and gave a bit of a groan.

"That smarts…" he muttered, glaring at me.

Mind you, he hadn't hurt me. Actually, I had gotten the impression that he had been trying to pry me off as gently as possible. How very considerate of him, you might think. Well I think, how very wrong of you to think such a thing. It's just… not right! It doesn't comply with the laws of nature, you see. Forget that.

"Well are you or are you not going to tell me what's addled your brains into thinking you're going to die? Are you planning on chucking yourself off a cliff?"

I snorted- it was funny, actually, the manner in which it was said but that little snort completely mollified us into forgetting we were arguing. I drew myself a chair and sat down, depositing you into my lap where you giggled as I tickled your ribs.

"Well I figured if I die in an attack or if something happens to me- don't look at me like that, Sirius- Harry will at least have a letter from me to read and it won't be like I never got to speak to him or anything." I said and I was quite happy about it too because I thought I had managed to tell them everything without making an absolute fool out of myself.

"That's horrid!" said Lily.

"Well, aren't you a peach?"

"Yes I am." She said.

She handed me your formula that had previously been forgotten in the microwave and I began feeding you and Sirius began ranting at that moment about how mad I was and how I should have told him I was writing to you so he could join in. That was a bit depressing, you know. After all, I thought he would be a bit sympathetic about that fact that I think I'm going to die. I don't think they took me very seriously, Harry. I'm afraid that's one of the negative aspects of being a wayward prankster.

I'm glad that's over, anyhow. It wasn't the most pleasant situation but they helped me get a laugh out of all this and that's how it should be. I want you to laugh when you read this, kiddo. I don't want you to be sad, even though I know you will be, if I'm gone. I love you, Harry. A bit more shortly, okay?


	3. three

three

It's been some time since I last wrote. Of course, to you, it won't really matter because you'll get to read your letter all in one go. I** have **been dying to continue, Harry. I really have but after that little episode with Lily and Sirius, it felt a bit awkward to bring it out once again so soon, do you know what I mean?

The thing is, kiddo, while I was watching some- what was it again- Vellytision? Whatever. That's completely beside the point anyway. The point is, during my watching of that wretched thing, I began to think about my letter to you and it occurred to me that eventually, I'm going to have to explain myself.

After all, people don't just suddenly assume they're going to die and begin writing letters to their progeny, now, do they?

I did say a bit about it last I wrote. Remember- about the attacks? You must have thought you had a crackpot dad. If you did, I don't blame you. Mum does tell me quite often that I'm not right in the head. Yet again the downside of being a buffoon shows itself but, honestly, would I really be where I am now if I was- how should I put it… loopy? Of course not! You'll give your dad a bit of credit, won't you, Harry? Mum tells me that, if anything, I received too much glory at Hogwarts and it all went to my head. She's right, naturally. Still… I received my bit of glory for a reason, didn't I? After all, people don't just dish out their attention for free.

Well it seems I've gone slightly off course. I was about to confess. Yes, well it's rather difficult to know where to start. I suppose I should begin from the Order. You'll know about the Order, I'm sure. Mum's in it after all. So am I, at present.

Since the Order's about trying to eradicate Voldemort and his followers, you can probably imagine it isn't the safest occupation. Nor is it the easiest. That's what I meant when I was talking about attacks, Harry. They are taking place all over Britain. People are dying left and right and we- the Order- are trying to stop them. I won't go into much detail about the attacks. I think you may have enough to worry about without hearing bad news from my part. Even if it won't actually affect you.

Being so dangerous, I wouldn't be surprised if I got killed during one of the deatheaters' forays- that's just a fancy word for attacks, by the way- but I never really realized the reality of it all before my encounter with You-Know-Who himself almost a year ago.

It's really different when you read about it in the Daily Prophet or hear it from someone else. It's… unsettling then but when your there in person and you look at him and see what he is really like, there is a sense of urgency to all that you do. You think that you have to make it out alive at first and then all you think about is doing what you came to do before you die.

I was lucky then, kiddo. Very lucky at that. It plagues you- the truth of it all. It makes you aware of that ever-present possibility of your death. Scary, don't you think? You might die but you don't know when. But that is how it is with everyone. I've come to appreciate everything that I used to take for granted before. We all take life for granted. That, Harry, is sad.

What I would give to know what you're thinking at the moment, Harry. While you're reading my letter. I wish I could just hear your voice. I wish lots of things, though. I wish I could grow up with you and do everything fathers are supposed to do. I wish I could be around if you ever needed me and wanted to talk to me. If you're reading this, my wishes probably didn't come true.

Dying is a part of life, even if we don't want to die. Sacrifices are a part of life as well. We usually dote on our sacrifices, feeling sorry for ourselves and feeling that we've been wronged and what not. That only leads to anger. Sacrificed should be accepted. Everyone has to make sacrifices. You do. I do. Whether we choose to or not. I mean, for all we know, our sacrifices have meanings and they happened for a reason. Do you follow me?

Here, let me give you an example. Just think. If I hadn't died, what do you think would have happened? Things would be different, would they not? You might think they would have been better but what if one day I woke up and decided to take you and Mum out and on the way something happened. It doesn't matter what. Anything. Maybe an attack took place or maybe we had an accident and crashed the car. Anyway, suppose in this accident you died? Now that I'm dead none of this can happen. I'm not around to cause anything.

My dying may have made way for something better for you. Something that would not have been possible, were I alive. Perhaps my dying made it possible for something greater than me to happen. Something of more importance.

That's worth the sacrifice, isn't it? I think it is.

Now, you might think that I'm just theorizing here. I might be completely wrong and am on the verge of insanity. That could be true. But then I could be right too. All I'm saying is that we can't control everything that happens to us. We can control some things but not everything so instead of being mad about it and feeling sorry for ourselves we should take it in stride. What else can we do?

The only thing I can think of doing is writing this letter. It's the next best thing, the first being alive and there for you for the whole of your life. Maybe that will happen. I don't know. Who knows?

Anyway, I think I might have gotten just the slightest bit carried away with my confession. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an overemotional lunatic, kiddo, considering you're father is one. Mum's calling me for supper now. I don't want to take this with me only to discover you were unable to read it because of a load of gravy stains. Speak to you soon, Harry.

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right, well, i'm afraid this chapter doesn't agree with me. still... thank you so much for your reviews, ggyy, roniloveu and aki and tenshi. i am enternally in your debt!


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